You are staring out of your window almost in a daze … there are hundreds of thoughts running through your mind.
You are thinking: “If only …?” “Why didn’t I just …?” “I wish I did … ?” “I should have …?”
The space is quiet, too quiet. You are experiencing a wide range of emotions – despair, shock, sadness, confusion, disbelief, humiliation – the list is endless.
These feelings are normal and a natural response to loss.
Actually, you are on a journey, a grief journey. Depending on the circumstances, you may on the one hand consider grieving to be helpful or … perhaps not.
This oscillation between coping behaviours is not uncommon. You may even begin to doubt the stability of your mental health, but rest assured that what you are going through is to be expected, it is appropriate and it will help you to come to terms with your loss.
Key elements to the grief journey
- You are unique and your process of mourning is not to be compared to the next person
- There is no right or wrong way to grieve
- Your grief is likely to be expressed physically, emotionally, and psychologically
- There needs to be a careful consideration of the context and circumstances of the loss
- In some instances, grieving may be detrimental; likewise disenfranchised grief should not be tolerated
- Grief is not a linear process (i.e. a one‑way tunnel), but rather like traversing a labyrinth
- The aim is to re‑establish equilibrium
- There is no end point, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life
- You do not need to “leave” or “forget” the deceased person, but can integrate him/her into your life by holding up his/her legacy
The following models may be employed
Kubler‑Ross (1969) – 5 Stages of Grief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Stroebe and Schut (1995‑6) – Dual Process Model
- Loss‑oriented: activities and stressors directly related to the death
- Restoration‑oriented: dealing with secondary losses as a result of the death (lifestyle, routine, relationships)
Rando (1993) – 6 “R” Processes of Mourning
- Recognise the loss
- React to the separation
- Recollect and re‑experience the deceased and the relationship
- Relinquish old attachments to the deceased and the old assumptive world
- Readjust to move adaptively into the new world
- Reinvest